You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
