I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
