is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
