I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
