you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
