there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
