one word: firstdatebathroomanal
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
