I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
