I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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