I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize