So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
