took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize