ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
