my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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