So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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