Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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