Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
