I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
