my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
two words...techno handjob
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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