at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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