I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
