I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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