First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize