Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm sobbing to NWA
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
