You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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