goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
