I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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