mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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