So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize