I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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