I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
