hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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