my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
