new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
