saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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