she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
