I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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