nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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