look no pants
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
