she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
