apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Your penis caused this!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
