DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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