the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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