Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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