Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
