i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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