im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
