He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
