uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
