break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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