never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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