I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
