GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
