seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
