Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
