a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I have fence marks all over my body
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
