I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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