I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
This is my gift to your gina
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
