he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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