dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
