you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
