I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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