I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
