her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
