2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Why are your pants in the freezer?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize