My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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