I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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